


Frontline Titties of the Fifth

by Bramblethorn



Category: The Locked Tomb Trilogy | Gideon the Ninth Series - Tamsyn Muir
Genre: F/F, F/M, Skeletons, that's not what "skin mag" means, we do bones motherfucker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:55:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26521771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bramblethorn/pseuds/Bramblethorn
Summary: Harrowhark has time on her hands and a stack of Gideon's dirty magazines.
Relationships: Gideon Nav & Harrowhark Nonagesimus
Comments: 15
Kudos: 63





	Frontline Titties of the Fifth

**Author's Note:**

> Set at the end of Book 2.

Harrowhark did not read porn.

Harrowhark Nonagesimus, Reverend Daughter of the Ninth, did _not_ read porn.

Her passions were pure and cerebral. She burned for two things alone: clean white bones, and the mystery of the Locked Tomb. There was no place for carnality in her life, and even if her tastes had been so directed, there was no time for it; by the time she was eleven, the position of Reverend Daughter had become a full-time responsibility. Any residual interest she might have held had been well and truly extinguished by her parents’ excessively detailed response to the question “where did I come from?”

Now, however, she found herself in a situation that was completely without precedent in her eighteen-odd years of life. She had nothing to do. She was _bored_.

Furthermore, recent events had forced her to acknowledge that her expertise, albeit deep beyond measure, was not as broad as it might be. She had never taken much interest in the world beyond the Nine Houses, deeming it a distraction of little importance. But lately the wider world had started to impinge on her existence in unexpected ways, and so she felt that it might not hurt to learn a little about it. 

She would have liked to have had a history—nothing excessively long, just a few dozen volumes on the politics and economy and culture of the human worlds, especially one with in-depth coverage on those factions hostile to the Emperor. She would have appreciated an illustrated atlas, so that she could study the anatomy of the galaxy and to understand where the Empire’s vassals and its enemies were situated. She might even have settled for a collection of critically-acclaimed works of classic literature to convey the themes and preoccupations of the worlds in which they were written and set.

Harrow had none of those things. What she did have, all that she had, was a stack of Gideon Nav’s skin mags printed on the cheapest flimsy the Empire had to offer.

It would have to do. If nothing else, perhaps she might at least gain some insight into the woman who had become her cavalier.

Harrow was not the kind of person to simply pick up a book and read it. Before she even approached the stack of flimsies, she had made her preparations. In Drearburh she had a meticulously organised collection of pens (metal or bone, depending on the application), inks (black, extra-black, very dark red), and notebooks (parchment or polymer). Her current surroundings had not been furnished with such accoutrements, but fortunately Harrow had arrived in possession of one and a half square metres of skin, a couple of hundred bones in an assortment of shapes and sizes, and almost five litres of thick red liquid, so it was a trivial matter to supply herself with writing materials.

Having trimmed her newly-made parchment into neat rectangles, she ruled it into neat columns for recording her observations. Then she picked up the first issue on the pile and began to read, taking notes as she went.

> Frontline Titties of the Fifth  
>  Issue #7: ‘That Vicious Vacuum’  
>  28-page flimsy. Cover slightly torn, stained with substance of organic origin but beyond my powers of identification. 
> 
> Cover illustration: a scene of battle in what appears to be a space station control module. Two individuals prominent in centre. 1x necro(?) in badly-rendered and ill-fitting clothing vaguely but not closely resembling Fifth House style. 1x cav (presumed) in badly-rendered and ill-fitting clothing with very small pieces of armour protecting approximately 15% of vital organs. Wielding ridiculously large sword. Shadowy figures surrounding, apparently hostile.
> 
> p. 1: recounting of events which I presume are chronicled in Issues #1-6. Necro’s name is “Callia Cinq” and cav is “Fiona Fünficker”. Stated to be part of Fifth House “Bust Force Alpha”, purported élite force. I am unaware of the existence of any such force and consider it highly unlikely that such an organisation exists in any way, shape, or form. Is this really how outlanders believe the Houses work?  
>  p. 2: ESPECIALLY the shapes and forms depicted here, which would require powerful flesh magic.  
>  pp. 3-5: CC and FF visiting friendly system, invited courtesy visit to private space station of planetary governor “Gigi Gee-Gee”, invitation accepted  
>  pp. 6-9: CC and FF showering in preparation for visit, unrealistic that a water shower would be used on such a small vessel. Suspect authors have sacrificed realism for prurient interest.  
>  pp. 10-11: Gigi (apparently named for her requirements in intimate apparel) welcomes CC and FF to her space station, offers refreshments, introduces her aide-de-camp “Dirk Footlong”. Begins to discuss politics when alert sounds: explosion on ship.  
>  p. 12: CC escorts Gigi to command module while FF and DF go to investigate possible hull breach in stores section.  
>  pp. 13-14: a collection of unsavoury merchandise, apparently available for purchase.  
>  p. 15: hull ruptures. DF manages to grab stanchion and FF grabs on to DF, but most of their clothes are sucked off by the vacuum. DF makes tawdry quip which I choose not to record.  
>  p. 16: FF’s breasts are enlarged by vacuum.  
>  p. 17: as is DF’s phallus  
>  pp. 18-19: CC and GG locked in internal airlock. Intruders on other side of lock mock them with the threat of slow death via asphyxiation. CC unable to use necromancy due to lack of thanergy aboard, possibly the first thing in this publication that has been in any way realistic.  
>  p. 20: CC notices GG is wearing leather and cotton, explains that these used to be living and contain trace amounts of thanergy that can be used.  
>  pp. 21-23: CC uses thanergy from clothes to summon skeleton construct behind intruders (across airtight seal – how?) and violence ensues. Summoning process has caused GG’s clothes to crumble to dust, leaving her stark naked. Intruders are defeated but CC/GG cannot unlock airlock from inside so choose to kill time by slobbering and pawing at one another in a manner clearly designed for prurient consumption.  
>  p. 24: back in stores section: air continues to rush out through three round holes, DF and FF in danger of asphyxiation.  
>  pp. 25-26: having achieved tawdry sexual gratification with GG, CC has her construct open the airlock from the other side, as she could have done all along.  
>  pp. 27-28: CC and GG enter the storage module to find DF and FF have plugged holes in hull with portions of their own anatomy. DF and FF are relieved by a repair crew and then relieved again by one another (gross). Story ends.
> 
> Note: battle scene depicted on cover occurs nowhere in the story. Shoddy. 

Harrow paused, and below the table she’d filled with point-by-point observations she jotted a final note.

> Unclear why the writers bother with any semblance of plot when clearly the sole purpose is to find excuses to depict improbably proportioned characters in states of undress and coitus. Can this really be entertaining to Griddle? No wonder her mental development has been so badly stunted. 

Then, for want of alternatives, she started a new page of notes and continued with the next of Gideon’s magazines.

> Frontline Titties of the Fifth  
>  Issue #10: “Sex and the Sixth”  
>  32-page flimsy. Half of cover/Page 1 torn off altogether, pattern suggests… human teeth? Back cover slightly melted.  
>  Cover illustration: incomplete as above, but apparently a library? Faces missing but two pairs of bulging and poorly-contained breasts visible, along with part of a sword, presumably CC and FF again. Unfamiliar female face, wearing spectacles, in close proximity to FF’s bosom. Tawdry. 

Her notes were more cursory this time; given the shallowness of the material, there seemed little value in recording it in detail.

> CC and FF visiting Sixth House – reasons unclear, presumably mentioned in lost fragment of Page 1. Sixth House populated largely by frowsty librarian types (not entirely inaccurate) who are prone to losing their spectacles and then their clothes within minutes of encountering CC and FF. There is ostensibly a plot, related to a rare book which, it transpires, can only be unlocked by a necro who is completely naked, and can only be fully understood while in a state of sexual climax, these two details discovered during two different sexual escapades, one between CC and the Head Librarian (whose interests seem to be weighted heavily towards the first half of her title), the other between FF and a brother-and-sister pair of Sixth House necros.
> 
> As with the previous issue, this one contains advertising for merchandise. Sadly “anatomically correct” does not in this context mean what any decent necro would hope it might mean. 

The main thing she had learned so far was that those who lived beyond the Nine Worlds had a comically limited understanding of what the Houses did. But that in itself was useful knowledge, she supposed, and so she persevered.

> Frontline Titties of the Fifth  
>  Issues #12 (“Threesome with the Third”), #13 (“Eaten Out by the Eighth”), #17 (“Feeling Fiona’s Fist”), #20 (“Barely Legal Fourths”), #28 (“Sloppy Seconds”), #29 (“The Cohort are Cumming”), #32 (“The Beguiling-est Corpse”)
> 
> As tawdry as the others. Artistic style has refined slightly with practice, but remains unremittingly crude, ditto storylines which invariably lead to nudity and sexual frolicking. However, some conventions emerging. While Callia and Fiona are disgracefully promiscuous, it is never directly with one another. In one scene in #17, both are masked, and are on the verge of committing an act of great indecency when they realise one another’s identities and break off at the last moment. Following storylines repeatedly present situations in which Callia and Fiona are placed in close proximity in emotionally charged moments, faces close together, and are then interrupted e.g. by the arrival of other characters. Clearly the intent is to crudely signal a growing attraction between the two, and to create dramatic tension by leaving this tension unresolved. 

There was one left on the stack (Harrow left aside the question of whether it could still be termed a “stack” at this point) and when she saw the title, her eyes widened in something approaching horror.

This one, she suspected, might require detailed notes.

> Frontline Titties of the Fifth  
>  Issue #38: Necro Knockers of the Ninth  
>  Near-mint condition.  
>  Cover illustration: indescribable
> 
> p. 1: not remotely like Drearburh, but that’s probably for the best.  
>  p. 2: no.  
>  p. 3: NO.  
>  p. 4: there is no such thing as a “Spite Goblin” in the Ninth, let alone in a position of authority. Unsure what this is based on.  
>  pp. 4-5: yes, we do wear skull-paint, but only on our faces.  
>  p. 6: CC to FF: “I thought you were dead… do you know how I felt?” but interrupted before they can continue the discussion.  
>  p. 7: inaccurate depiction of necromancy  
>  pp. 8-9: inaccurate and highly inappropriate depiction of necromancy  
>  p. 10: neither the appropriate context nor the correct meaning of “one flesh, one end”  
>  pp. 11-12: FF talking to the Spite Goblin: “I know she’s my necro, and it’s wrong to have these thoughts, but—”  
>  pp. 13-14: advertising, including an inflatable Spite Goblin  
>  p. 15: FF and Spite Goblin attacked by monstrously large construct  
>  pp. 16-17: the words “skeleton” and “gangbang” should not be combined.  
>  p. 18: no. And also, no.  
>  pp. 19-20: NO NO NO.  
>  pp. 21: THE HUMAN SKELETON DOES NOT HAVE A BACULUM  
>  pp. 22-23: THE HUMAN SKELETON DOES NOT HAVE “TITTY BONES” AND EVEN IF IT DID, THAT WOULD NOT BE THE NAME FOR THEM  
>  pp. 24-26: CC and FF together again, facing what appears to be certain death. FF and CC simultaneously to one another: “I need to tell you something—”  
> 
> 
> Are they going to kiss?
> 
> p. 27: whole-page illustration: CC and FF, faces close, wordless, staring at one another.
> 
> I think they’re going to kiss.
> 
> p. 28: “TO BE CONTINUED…”

Harrow searched every corner. She went through the pile of flimsies in case something had stuck to one of the others unnoticed. But there was nothing more.

“What dreadful rubbish,” she muttered. “What a waste of time. I didn’t even get to find out whether they finally kiss.”

And then—for in this place she had nothing but time—she made herself another page from the skin over her heart, and she stretched out on the floor, and she began to write.

> Frontline Titties of the Fifth  
>  Issue #39-HN: We Do Bones, Motherfucker

Then she paused. She could draw wards, but she had neither the aptitude nor the desire to reproduce the artistic style of Gideon’s flimsies. “Just the words,” she muttered to herself.

> As they clung together on the giant bell, the tide of death below them growing ever nearer, Callia spoke softly to Fiona. “Fiona, if we’re going to die like this, there’s something you should know and something I want to do…”

If she got really bored, she supposed she could try illustrating it later. 

**Author's Note:**

> Credit to [this sketch by pilpopilpo](https://twitter.com/pilpopilpo/status/1303356171626196993) for inspiration, and [this one](https://twitter.com/pilpopilpo/status/1300132880170070021) for "spite goblin". 
> 
> Thanks to AMD for workshopping some of the issue names with me, and to my beta readers.


End file.
